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Never Forget by Mary Papas

She was playing with that bottle of water in her hands for hours, watching his eyes begging her for mercy. She looked at her watch.  Midnight. Her birthday.
She walked slowly towards him and opened his mouth. She let one big sip drop in his tongue, grabbing the bottle just when he thought more sips would follow.
She put a gun to his head. Then to her head. She wanted her last moments to haunt him forever.
 ‘’Happy birthday to me’’ she said and shot herself.
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Comment by Paolo Jose Cruz on June 20, 2013 at 23:32

Disturbing, in the best way possible. Such an exquisite description of torture, on multiple levels.

It's always tricky when violence is presented in a stylized kind of way; there's always the risk of romanticizing brutality. I think this piece treads that line quite closely, but ultimately manages to stop short of being gratuitous.

What makes this feel a bit sensationalized is the abject lack of motivation on the protagonist's part (unless there's something I failed to pick up). There's not even a hint of why she's doing this, beyond the cathartic pleasure. It definitely has the mood and tone of a revenge fantasy, but I would have preferred even a tease about what makes her tick.

Comment by Angie_Fayre on June 22, 2013 at 12:34

I love that there is so much more in store even after the story ends.  It's shown that she thinks she's getting revenge by having him watch her die, but It's doubtful he cares one way or the other.  I'm sure he's thinking that she's had him for (possibly) days, he's thirsty, bound and in need of a rescue that---if it ain't come by now---probably ain't coming.  Soon he'll be joining her, but she was too unstable to notice.  That could also imply that she's psycho and he may not have done anything to deserve such treatment.  I wish we could have known her motivation, but I personally don't think it necessary.

A few grammatical changes here and there would make the reading smoother.  Like, 'watching his eyes begging for her mercy' could be 'his eyes *beg* for her mercy.'  And 'sip drop in his tongue' could be '*on* his tongue.'  Maybe also change 'grabbing the bottle' to '*snatched back* the bottle,' because 'grabbing' sort of implied to me that she hadn't had the bottle (like she'd given it to him rather than held it for him, I mean).

Otherwise, I think this is great.  A very dark piece for a micro.

Comment by Mary Papas on June 24, 2013 at 17:41

Thanks for  the feedback! Highly appreciated! 

I am especially glad that you were so much interested in the woman's motives.I didn't reveal that on purpose. I wanted readers to wonder about that, the possibilities are endless. As the writer of the story,  I know what the motive was. And maybe I wil reveal it in a sequel. 

Stay tuned...

Comment by Kerry J. Hall on August 29, 2013 at 15:20
Sudden and fascinating, this story kinda hit my solar plexus immediately. Great story, if indeed, violent

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