Hey!! What's the story?
My day off:
Lynda leaves to go shopping. Turn on dining room light, ceiling fan goes on high. Fiddle with remote, fan refuses to turn off. Change battery. Switch breaker off and on. Look for manual—gone. Turn off breaker, climb on top of dining room table, remove cover on fan, change pin combo, climb down, turn on breaker, fan refuses to turn off. Eat lunch. Go to Home Depot, buy new light switch, install, fan still on. Google everything. Go to Rona Home & Garden, buy new remote, install, fan still on. Turn off breaker, climb back up on table, pull everything out again, consider installing new receiver. Put everything back the way it was. Go to bed. Cry a little bit.
One hour later:
Google everything again. Note that the receiver is connected by 5 wires to the 2 powered wires which come out of the ceiling box. The receiver, a small rectangular box, the wires, and plastic twist-on wire connectors all have to fit in a tiny space inside the decorative housing "cup" that snugs up to the ceiling. The overall design was done by James Elmer Mitchell and Bruce Jessen, 2 psychologists noted for their work on the CIA's enhanced interrogation program. The mathematical equation used for the design was: total space = all necessary components - 1. After 3 hours, I'm on a break reviewing the installation instructions using the online Greek - English translation service at babylon.com.
Later that afternoon:
Climb back up on the table, remove all the wires and redo them. Yank the wires below the receiver as I notice a gnat-sized opening where the "extra" wire might fit. Watch as one of the wires falls out of its twist-on connector. Attempt to create a longer wire to twist inside the connector by stripping off some extra insulation. Don't have a stripping tool so I use my teeth. Chomp down on the wire and pull. Nearly fall backwards off the table and accidentally bite off the end of the wire. Climb down off table and lay down for a while. Climb back up. Chew ½ inch of insulation off the shortened wire and shove it back into the twist-on connector. Yank the final wire into the gnat-opening and wrestle with the decorative housing, ball and socket, down-rod, lamp and blades. Hold everything in place with my right hand, elbow, left shoulder and top of head, and jam in the screw which secures the decorative cup in place. Climb down. Turn on the breaker. Pick up the remote control and... is that an extra screw lying on the table?
Back in bed:
Throw the extra screw into the junk drawer. Lynda comes back from shopping. I pick up the remote, take a deep breath, and click on all the buttons. Everything works. Lynda smiles and somehow says with a straight face, "You're really quite handy." We hug, and I tell her how much I love her (for lying).
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